Tears were welling up in her eyes but she would not let me see them. She gave a quick hug, smiled and said goodbye and walked away without a second glance backwards. She thought I didn’t notice, but I know her better than she gives me credit for. I stood there in the crowded station, people bustling past around us, and waited till she was out of sight to breathe a huge sigh – maybe regret, maybe grief, or just a lot of emotions for which there are no words.
I smiled at the thought of how much we had changed; she and I personally and together, since we first met. She had this incredible energy and zest for life, and had her inner child alive always. I, on the other hand, was quiet, shy, reserved and composed. She laughed, joked, said silly things and could be the most serious person I had ever come across, all in the span of five minutes. She was always herself, smarter than any woman I’d ever met, and never gave away her real sentiments when upset or sad. Instead, she had on this happy face for the sake of others, but I saw her eyes tell a different story. Of course, she never knew I noticed her that way. It was as though she had put up this wall from which she separated herself from the rest of the world.
As the nights turned into mornings, days into weeks, and eventually months, we grew close in a way no one could describe. We never needed words to convey how we felt, or why and for the first time in my life, I felt as though she was someone I could not ever bear to lose. She had mixed feelings from the first; she has been burned too many times in her life to think this would go any different. She slowly came round to the idea of us, when she realised I had no intention of ever hurting her. Of course, I was not the most expressive of people and I commend her for being patient and seeing through the shyness that possessed me every time she was around.
I think it’s funny how day by day nothing changes, but now when I look back, I realise everything was different. I am more open, relaxed and expressive than I ever was. Changes brought about by her, without my realising or her meaning to. I ache to tell her that she means the world to me, but at this point in life, it would just make things worse. I choose to keep silent and it is probably the worst decision I have ever made. I walk to my platform to make my journey onwards, and it brings back the memory when, three years ago, I had made the journey to here.
I want to call her and ask her, ‘Where were you three years ago? Why do I have these feelings I never knew I was capable of? What have you done to me? I never want to say goodbye’. I know she is hiding her tears again, the wall is already being re-built and she is already going back to who she was when we first met. The grey clouds outside and ominous thunder I hear, threatening to unleash the rains, are oddly synonymous to my inner turmoil. I close my eyes for a moment as my vision blurs slightly, hating this new feeling that has possessed me. I hate goodbyes!