Where’s the good in goodbye?

Tears were welling up in her eyes but she would not let me see them. She gave a quick hug, smiled and said goodbye and walked away without a second glance backwards. She thought I didn’t notice, but I know her better than she gives me credit for.  I stood there in the crowded station, people bustling past around us, and waited till she was out of sight to breathe a huge sigh – maybe regret, maybe grief, or just a lot of emotions for which there are no words.

I smiled at the thought of how much we had changed; she and I personally and together, since we first met. She had this incredible energy and zest for life, and had her inner child alive always. I, on the other hand, was quiet, shy, reserved and composed. She laughed, joked, said silly things and could be the most serious person I had ever come across, all in the span of five minutes. She was always herself, smarter than any woman I’d ever met, and never gave away her real sentiments when upset or sad. Instead, she had on this happy face for the sake of others, but I saw her eyes tell a different story. Of course, she never knew I noticed her that way. It was as though she had put up this wall from which she separated herself from the rest of the world.

As the nights turned into mornings, days into weeks, and eventually months, we grew close in a way no one could describe. We never needed words to convey how we felt, or why and for the first time in my life, I felt as though she was someone I could not ever bear to lose. She had mixed feelings from the first; she has been burned too many times in her life to think this would go any different. She slowly came round to the idea of us, when she realised I had no intention of ever hurting her. Of course, I was not the most expressive of people and I commend her for being patient and seeing through the shyness that possessed me every time she was around.

I think it’s funny how day by day nothing changes, but now when I look back, I realise everything was different. I am more open, relaxed and expressive than I ever was. Changes brought about by her, without my realising or her meaning to. I  ache to tell her that she means the world to me, but at this point in life, it would just make things worse. I choose to keep silent and it is probably the worst decision I have ever made. I walk to my platform to make my journey onwards, and it brings back the memory when, three years ago, I had made the journey to here.

I want to call her and ask her, ‘Where were you three years ago? Why do I have these feelings I never knew I was capable of? What have you done to me? I never want to say goodbye’. I know she is hiding her tears again, the wall is already being re-built and she is already going back to who she was when we first met. The grey clouds outside and ominous thunder I hear, threatening to unleash the rains, are oddly synonymous to my inner turmoil. I close my eyes for a moment as my vision blurs slightly, hating this new feeling that has possessed me. I hate goodbyes!

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10 responses to “Where’s the good in goodbye?

  1. oh my you have tugged at me on this one. life is full of hello’s and as i like to say koobyes (because yes where is the good in goodbye). beautifully written from someone who obviously knows these emotions well. thanks

  2. Sometimes, I don’t know how or why, one stumbles upon themself painted in words, in their own voice even, had they known how to give voice to the crush. Thank you. What a remarkable gift (do you feel it as a gift I wonder?). There is much more I would say, but it so much more as to overwhelm us both perhaps.

    John 15:13 There is no greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his life for his friends.

    How can that be love, if his friends can not live without him; their days and nights filled only with sorrow for the want, the need of him…

    You are beautiful beyond measure.

  3. Oh wow. I feel short of words, and thank you is not enough for the compliment you have given me.

    But thank you all the same, and yes I do feel it is a gift, though sometimes, more of a voice struggling to be heard…. Thank you.

  4. This is exactly why I have come to cherish you – and your beautiful writing – so much. Because you have the ability to expose me to myself and in listening to you, realise that I am longing to hear a part of myself that hasn’t spoken for a long long time.

    I have no idea about the background or life from which that story came… but it could have been me on that platform. Both of them could have been me. Have been me.

    Thank you for making me want to write and rediscover my own voice. I am slowly beginning to understand that it has been stiffled – I have let it be – and I miss it.

    Thank you…

    • Rayn – Same as you, the person on the platform and the one he was thinking about – could be, and have been me. Instead of being selfish and only writing one point of view as always, I decided to explore the other and found that it is just as painful, if not more.

      I am glad that you are moved to write and discover your own voice again. I’ve missed your stories this time round. Get typing! 🙂

      And thank you for appreciating my writing, hopeless as it may be to me sometimes, it is inspiring to be made aware that it affects you and others greatly.

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