Facebook is a good reminder of things. Things we need, or don’t. Things we once wanted, things we need, or think we do. Things we see, things we want others to see, and its a good reminder of people too. It reminds us of who we are as a person, who we were at a certain point in time, who we are today and most importantly, it reminds us of the relationships we have with ourselves and with other people. Or had….
This morning, like any other, I logged on to Facebook and browsed through the posts and statuses for the day. Really just a cursory glance while my mind wandered aimlessly and my eye caught a name I hadn’t read in a while. It was a little line on the right side of the page, reminding me it was his birthday today. Reading that took my breath away. Not because I was reminded of him and all our past moments and memories came flooding back. It also wasn’t because it was a good chance to grab and communicate with him – send him a message and rekindle the relationship we had. I instantly ran a hundred different scenarios in my head, involving what we would’ve done today, should’ve done, used to do and how it would have been so different today. No. (Although in the space of 30 seconds these thoughts did run through my head).
It took my breath away because it made me realize I didn’t remember it was his birthday. It took my breath away because I realized I didn’t want to remember, didn’t want to care and didn’t want to think about him. My subconscious, of course, had been doing this without my knowledge (duh!). And mainly, it is still making me breathe uneasy because it is past 3 pm now, and I still don’t have an itch, an impulse, an automatic urge to call him or message and wish him a good day. I used to have those, even when it wasn’t his birthday. My call and/or text and wishes used to be the first he got each year, always on the stroke of midnight, wherever in the world we were – together or apart. Not anymore. And I surprise myself even more when I realize, I’m okay with it. I’m over it. I’m over him. Who knew time could be such a healer? That it does really heal all wounds…?
6 years ago, I could not have imagined a life without him. As a support system, as a friend or otherwise, or as anything at all. Now, I can live with the fact that I know him, did know him and that he was a rather integral part of my life once, but not anymore. Today, looking over the pier at the multiple boats and yachts and their owners sunbathing and cruising in the glorious weather, the realization and understanding of where we stand makes me glad. A sense of relief washes over me because, for the first time in my life, I can put him in a chapter in my past and leave him there, and close the book. Of course, he will always have a part of me, a part I can never get back, not that I want it back. He will always have that part of me that was just for him. Up until today, till Facebook opened my eyes, I think I was always looking for ways and fighting to get that part of me back. I now know that that is not up to me, nor is it a choice I have any control over. It is where it should be, where it belongs.
I feel like one of the cruisers on the boats, relieved that the sun is finally out and here to stay, and the boat is out of the shed after months of waiting, and ready to take me into uncharted waters, leaving behind the ones that I do know so well . On to new things and discover new shores, with relief and a clean slate and the sun on my back.