I wonder if I will ever know.


“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” ― Charles Dickens

I find myself thinking of you again.  Thoughts of you come and go like ocean waves. Sometimes they overlap one another and calmly come to mind, lingering till they are pushed away. Sometimes they come ferociously, threatening to drown me in their intensity. Mostly though, they are like the ever constant waves bobbing through the ocean, never quite complete in their crescendo and never quite out of sight. What is this strange hold you have over me? I barely know you.

I wonder what you are doing. Wonder what you would think if you saw me now, showing you a part of my life I have kept well under wraps. I wonder why you always seemed available but aren’t, or is it just to me? I wonder if I played it a little too cool in an effort to not appear overly-eager. I wonder if your ego is as big as I imagine it is? I wonder what you think of, what you’re afraid of, your deepest regret and your darkest secret. I wonder if I will ever find out. I wonder if you are as afraid of intimacy as I think you are. I wonder if you have had your heart broken so severely that whatever pieces you have left you pour into your work. I wonder if you think that is enough?

I wonder what it is that you are running from. I wonder if you have ever loved deeply, and are still pining for it. I wonder if you have never loved at all and been the cause of many a heartbreak. I wonder why these things matter to me so much. I wonder how life has changed for you since we met. I know mine has been thrown into disarray. I wonder why you send me random messages and appear so friendly, then disappear till another time that suits you. I wonder why you take days to respond to a conversation I initiate. I wonder if you are really that busy or are trying to appear so. Then I wonder whether this is your way of gently reminding me your time is too precious for trivial and banal conversations.

I wonder if it is all in my head and you really are that busy. I wonder if I make you nervous and that is why you don’t respond. I wonder if you know how intimidated I am by you. I wonder why you put on this air of perfection and righteousness and all that. I wonder why you are so afraid of being human, of showing your feelings and emotions. I wonder why and how life has been so cruel to you that you have become a robot. I wonder if you are aware of this. I think you are.

You make me want to be a better person. I wonder if you know that. I wonder if you have that effect on others too. You make me want to challenge myself, and do things I have been afraid of. I wonder if anyone has ever made you feel that way. I wonder if you have always been this focused, unshakable and stoic in life. I wonder what you were like before and what made you so hardened. I wonder if you keep everyone at a distance and let no one in. I wonder why?

I wonder if I kept too much in or shared too much. I wonder if you can see through me and that makes you distant. I wonder why it is so hard to figure you out. I wonder if you do it on purpose, or are unaware of it. I wonder if you will ever be open enough about yourself. Your actions seem to say no. I wonder why this makes me want to try harder. I wonder if you will ever stop running from your demons. I wonder if this is all in my head. I wonder if you are really all that you appear to be. I wonder if you really are that devoid of personality and character and I have been painting a different picture in my head. I wonder if you have any depth to you. I wonder if knowing will leave me disappointed or eager to change you. I wonder if I will ever know.

I wonder if you meet every new person like you do with a client. I wonder if you ask those same questions to everyone and size them up as worthy of investment, having some potential or a total no-no. I wonder why you do this. I wonder which category I fall under now that I answered some of your probing. I wonder if you know that I was holding back. I wonder if you will ever care enough to peel back more layers and really get to know me. I wonder why you ask questions but don’t really listen to the answers. I wonder if you just ask to seem interested, then jump right back to talking about yourself. I wonder why you need to appear so confident and headstrong and so sure of yourself. I wonder if you are really.

I wonder why you tell me to be more communicative with you instead of maintaining the radio silence and waiting for you to initiate conversation. I wonder why you don’t reply when I do. I wonder why you laugh and joke and wink and flirt and make me feel important. I wonder if you think that is the way to get me to open up. I wonder if you got bored of me. I wonder if we only met out of obligation and not because you really wanted to. I wonder if that is how you approach everything else in life, as an obligation.

I wonder if you have ever done something that scared you. I wonder if you have truly ever lived in one moment and experienced unbridled joy. I wonder if you express this fear or joy easily. I don’t think you do. I wonder why the hardened shell. I wonder why you act and say things that you think you should, instead of what you really want to. I wonder if I am the same. Doing and saying things I think I am supposed to or think is expected of me.

I wonder if anything or any one has really moved you to tears. I wonder if you will ever tell me. I don’t think you will. I wonder why you are running (this is a constant wonder) because we’re all running from things. I wonder if you ever contemplate these things or do you constantly divert your mind into tasks to avoid thinking. I think you’re afraid of what you might find if you stop running.

I wonder if you like who you are. I wonder if you always have. I wonder who it is that you are. Constantly. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like being constantly consumed by thoughts of another person. Someone I don’t even know. Someone who I am not particularly attracted to. Just someone whose attention and approval I crave. As if having their attention is enough to validate my entire existence and reason for being. I hate feeling like this. I wonder if this will ever end. This feeling and wondering. I wonder….


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