Dirty thirty?

Thirty. Dirty thirty. Leaving twenty and its innocence and naiveté behind. This is to remind you what thirty has been for you. Take notes and re-visit as many times as you need.

Thirty is the year you stop and also start caring. Stop caring about labels and opinions and shoulds and have to’s and start caring about your own health, instincts, decisions right for you and your lifestyle.

Thirty you lose and gain friendships. Some lost organically, some ruthlessly and some engineered to be a mutual understanding. Some made the same way, organically, out of the blue suddenly and some engineered to be the kind of friendship you want it to be.

Thirty you find your voice. With your mother, with work, with your passions, with friends, with travel, with potential loves. You find how you work best and strive to always find and maintain that state of being. It is not easy.

Thirty is also the year you probably question yourself more than you have in the last 10 or more years. The year you cry most easily, at seemingly nothing, and unashamed in public. You will embrace those tears and realise they are trying to tell you something. That you are exhausted carrying around all these emotions – guilt, remorse, duty, what you think you owe and that they are releasing themselves from you and for you through you. As you cry more and more, you feel yourself getting lighter. It’s so cliché but so true. They will cleanse you. You won’t see this for many months after.

Thirty you will still cling on to the love you know is not right for you. All the signs are there. So glaringly obvious but you will choose to ignore them and get heartbroken anyway. This time it will be different. This time you will embrace and take the heartbreak in your stride. You will smile knowing you didn’t shun the opportunity to be open to love. Instead you fearlessly went for it, knowing it may not last. Thirty is the year you will finally accomplish this and it will be freeing and make you happy and sad and all those things in between. Sad for having lost so much time getting there, but happy that you did get there. You will still pine for it, still want to reach out, still play out ‘what if’ in your head every day. You are still human.

Thirty will end on a high. You will finally take that solo yoga retreat you have been lusting after for years. You will boldly and fearlessly go and do the things you have wanted to do. You will also make friends. Friends with yourself. New friends and re-kindle old friendships. Friends who open up your eyes and world. Friends who uplift you, want what’s best for you and encourage you everyday. They remind you there is so much more out there than your little bubble. You will break your bubbles every day.

Thirty you will finally discover what makes you tick, and why you had hidden it/not acknowledged it for so long. You will learn to discover the demons you worked so well to hide, repress, and never think of again, and learn to slay those demons. One day at a time, baby steps after all. Thirty will teach you that in order to look forward you must look back. Only this time you are looking back to heal, not to hurt and stay. To leave, make peace and hold hands with the present fondly looking towards your future.

Thirty will end with you taking your health and fitness very seriously. You vow to train right, eat right and sleep right. You will also plan to conquer a mountain. You have never been so excited about anything in your life. Thirty you will move more towards the purpose that you have been seeking, it has been elusive. But it gets clearer each day. Thirty will end with you looking forward to peeling back layers of yourself you knew were there all along, they just needed some prodding and awakening to come to light.

Thirty you will not want to end. But my dear, an ending is only the beginning of something new. Who knows, thirty-one will be even better, brighter, happier, healthier. Only time will tell. After all, dirty thirties have begun. Get ready to get flirty with them! Oh and you will finally make up your mind about the tattoo. About time! 😀

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